The feeling isn’t the problem… it’s what we add to it.

There’s a teaching I’ve been reflecting on that feels incredibly relevant to how we experience emotions.

There’s what’s called the first arrow… and then the second arrow.

The first arrow is the pain that is simply part of being human… grief, loss, anger when boundaries are crossed, physical pain, heartbreak. This is unavoidable.

The second arrow is what we add on top of that pain…

“This shouldn’t be happening”…
“What’s wrong with me”…
“This means something about who I am”…

That’s where suffering really deepens.

What I find fascinating is how this connects to the body.

When we stay in the second arrow… the mental loops, the self-referencing, the meaning-making… we’re actually dissociating from the original feeling underneath. And because of that… the first arrow never gets to complete itself. The emotion never gets to move.

In somatic work, we see that when someone is able to fully feel the core emotion underneath… without resistance… without adding a second arrow… the wave of that emotion often moves through in about 90 seconds to 2 minutes.

It completes.

But when we resist it… or layer meaning on top of it… it gets stuck… and we live in that cycle.

It reminds me so much of what Michael Singer speaks about… allowing energy to pass through without clinging or resisting.

There’s also a powerful story about Dalai Lama… where he received news during a talk that two nuns he deeply cared for had been killed. He broke down in raw, uncontrollable grief in front of everyone.

But after those moments… he lifted his head, eyes filled with tears… and met the room with deep compassion and love.

He didn’t suppress the pain.

He didn’t add a second arrow.

He let the grief move through.

And what remained was an open heart.

But here’s the piece that often gets missed…

In order to feel at that level, the body has to feel safe.

Our nervous system has to be within a window where it can actually allow that vulnerability. And for most people, that capacity isn’t there yet… not because anything is wrong with them, but because their system learned it wasn’t safe to feel that deeply.

This is why deep inner work matters… and why it often happens in relationship, with someone who can co-regulate and help the body feel safe enough to open.

Over time, that window of tolerance expands… and what once felt overwhelming becomes something the system can actually move through.

So the path isn’t just “feel everything”…

It’s building the capacity to feel… without overwhelm… without shutting down… and without adding that second arrow.

This is a big part of why I do the work I do… because this level of processing is something so many people have never been supported in.

And it changes everything.

If this resonates, and you feel ready to explore how deeper subconscious and somatic work can support you in this kind of healing… feel free to DM me to set up a free consult.